17 Oct 2010

Lambeth Council Housing3

the wall insulation lambeth have just done - its coming thru the walls into my flat. lambeth are so caring about how their tenants live....

Lambeth Council Housing2

more examples of how nice my flat is

Lambeth Council Housing

this is how i have been expected to live since 2001/2, the bathroom is a health hazard and now the new wall insulation has come thru into my flat

15 Oct 2010

lambeth council


9 Oct 2010


i am trying to find some peace at the moment, trying to get on with living, am struggling but need so brightness and colour to lift my spirits

4 Oct 2010

monday 4th oct

i am still struggling to deal with events, am not coping well at all. my inner strength seems to have left me. life goes on, i know, and i have to try to find a job in the midst of this nightmare or risk loosing my state benefits. there is no compassion from the employment ppl, just pressure to find a job.
how can i look for a job or go for an interview when all i am doing is reliving my nightmare?
i am dreading the trial, and yet i know i have to do it-i have to try and find out WHY? why did he do this, why did he destroy me?
i am angry at myself for feeling like this, surely i should be strong and full of determination to fight back, i am not tho. i lay awake all night reliving that night, it just wont stop. a few minutes peace in the day then am back in that place again.
all these years i have longed for death so i can just have peace, i am too weak to kill myself, i dont even have the courage to do that.
all i can hope for is that it will finally give me closure.

2 Oct 2010

update to earlier post

i wrote about an incident earlier in which i was attacked in my flat 20 yrs ago. this week the police informed me they now have a suspect. i am devestated and its made me feel vulnerable and as if it happened yesterday.
i am trying to prepare myself for the court ordeal which is not going to be easy. this man ruined my life and destroyed me as a person, i have to go to court so i can get some closure. i have received some wonderful support from friends which is a great comfort. living alone has made it very hard to cope with, i have been curled on the floor shaking and sobbing. i know this will pass and i know i will survive.
there are some truly wicked and evil ppl in this world and it was my misfortune to cross paths with one.
i am calmer today, maybe due to the diazepan the doctor gave me, but also maybe coz i am over the initial shock. 20 yrs is a long time to wait for justice but i am hopeful that my time has finally come.

19 Sep 2010

24 Aug 2010


ppl ask me why i dont believe in god or religion. well its simple, heres a few reasons why i dont.
first you have the catholic church, an institution riddled with sex offenders, its leader claims to be gods vicar on earth and yet refuses to allow condoms to be used to prevent the spread of HIV and other diseases. this same church has a huge fortune and yet rather than using it to help the poor of the world would rather take even more from these ppl. why does the pope need to live in such opulent palaces full of works of art? this religion, along with many others, claim to know the will of God and yet surely if there was a God would they tolerate abuse and prejudice? of course when i worked in a hospital i saw so much pain and suffering and death. the religious nurses told me it was Gods will, why? how can ppl dying from cancer be in Gods interest?
here in the uk we have our own church, another institution that lives in the past. why does it matter if women become bishops? why shouldnt gay ppl become priests? we are told that we are all created in Gods image, so if thats the case we should all have the chance to serve this God.
most of the main religions even seem to worship the same God tho with their own prophets or son of God. if there was a God then why are we allowed to continue killing innocent ppl with bombs? allowing ppl to starve and live in squalor?
so, i dont believe in this God or religion as theres no proof and just observing religious ppl and how they treat others is enough to convince me that i want nothing to do with this nonsense. being a humane person i do respect others views tho, of course that isnt reciprocated by many devout religious ppl.

4 Aug 2010

iran's next top model..

well do you think it will catch on?

9 Jul 2010


i forgot to post here for ages lol

18 Jun 2010

USA and Hypocrisy

why dont those self-righteous americans just shut up and instead of attacking BP why dont the americans help sort it out? what a dreadful and shameful sight watching these ppl whinge and moan and blame others instead of acting like adults. of course its a tragedy whats happening but america claims its a super power, well damn well act like one! leave BP alone, tell the politicians in washington to grow up and focus on whats really important.
of course seeing as they are so money obsessed anyway all their eyes must be lighting up at the thought of juicy payouts. seeing on the news morons holding placards saying BP kills is really a joke, and this in the top government dept. i tell you what does kill and that is american arrogance so stop acting like a school bully coz ppl are really getting fed up with it

16 Jun 2010

art helps free us..

i rely on being creative to remain sane lol

15 Jun 2010

september 4th

that was the date this event happened. thats also my Fathers birthday. well i have got used to the fact that being transgendered means ppl feel they have the right to do or say whatever they want and we are supposed to meekly accept it. being transgendered is NOT a lifestyle choice its how we are born. up until this event i was strong and lived my life without a care. this particular eve i went to the fridge club in brixton with my bf and friends as usual. we had a great time, dancing and laughing as we always did. we walked home as we lived in stockwell so it wasnt far. i was walking about 10 yards in front of my bf and a friend when a young black man came towards me. as he passes he slapped my bum, i laughed and walked on. it was harmless as the guy paid me a compliment. my bf and friend caught up and we stood chatting for 5 mins before our friend left. we noticed then the black guy had started walking back towards us so we ran off giggling, not worried coz he hadnt been aggressive. our flat was on the ground floor and we ran in laughing without a care. i went into the kitchen and made tea when there wa a knock on the door. the black guy was calling through the letter box so i told him to go away. he said he liked me and i just giggled as you do and said am not interested thanks.
he went so we soon forgot about it. a couple of days later my bf and i had a row over him meeting a friend of his i didnt like. he went out anyway and as it was warm i left my windows open to cool off. i had a flatmate who was in bed asleep so felt safe. it was about 1 in the morn when i heard someone jump onto the kitchen floor. i wasnt really worried coz i thought it was my bf. imagine my shock when the young black man walked in to my room. i was in bed so pulled the covers up and asked what he thought he was doing. he sat on the end of my bed and said he really liked me. even at this point i wasnt scared, i told him i was happy with my bf and he should go,it was at this point he pulled a knife out and grabbed me and stuck the knife in my neck.
time seem to stop and i could only think of all the times when you read about ppl being raped and why did they not fight back? i was so frozen with terror and also scared he would hurt my sleeping flatmate i just didnt struggle. i cant go into detail of what humiliation he inflicted on me or the hurtful cruel things he said. needless to say he tortured me and raped me and abused me in a way no one should have to endure. he lad gone and locked the bolts on the front door and all i could think about was my bf coming home and looking through letter box and seeing this happen.
my bf did come back and knocked on the door, i pushed the man off me and told him to go. as he was going out of the window he said, did you enjoy it and can i see you again? in panic i said yes it wa wonderful.
i managed to stagger to the front door and open it before i collapsed. as i did so my attacker walked past and asked my bf for the time. my poor bf and his friend just couldnt understand why i was on the floor sobbing and bleeding-i couldnt get the words out. they got me back onto a chair and i was able to say the man had attacked me. my poor flatmate woke up and was in a terrible state coz he hadnt known and hadnt helped me. this really was only the beginning of a nightmare. the police came and this young policeman sat in my room and radioed that a woman had been raped, imagine my shame at having to stop him and tell him i was transgendered. instead of being raped it suddenly changed to being sexually assaulted. i have no issues with the police, they were so kind to me and they did treat me with great kindness and dignity. i had to go to the police station in brixton to be examined. that was traumatic. i made my statement and was told to go home and rest and if this man came back to call 999. obviously none of us thought he would return but he did that same evening. the police said to keep him talking through the indow so they could catch him. i had to tell this man how much i had enjoyed what he did - it fills me with so much shame even thinking about it now. the police came quickly but he vanished. the police left and he came back, this was just the start.
word got out what had happened and i had graffitti scrawled on the door, my windows broken. we lived in fear in a boarded up flat. the police contacted my housing office and told them my life was in danger and i had to me moved at once. i am not a rascist but my black lady housing officer had issues with me being transgendered,she ignored the police advice. the result was that for 7 months after his attack i had to endure him turing up daily trying to get in to the flat. it was a game of cat and mouse, the police would wait in the flat with me and he wouldnt come. soon as they left he did come. after 6 months of this nightmare i just opened the door and i begged him to kill me. he just smirked and walked off.
finally i snapped and went to the housing, the lady officer was not sympathetic and said what did i expect being the way i was? luckily for me her senior overheard this and he took charge. a day later i was moved to safety. she was sacked and i thought the nightmare was over.
the police had warned me how bad it was going to be if they caught him and at trial i would be attacked by his defence team. it turned out he wasnt caught. a few times i was out in town and he appeared in front of me, i always was so terrified i couldnt move or speak. the end result of this was that i began taking any drug i could get my hands on as i couldnt bear the pain. i felt so much shame and guilt it was really unbearable.
he victimised me for over 12 years til i went for therapy and that turned my life around. no more drugs and no more being a victim. i still feel its effects today though i live my life. it would be so nice if strangers werent so judgemental about people like me, its hurtful but in comparison to what i lived through its nothing.


a serious issue

later today i am going to write about an experience in my life which not only was terrifying on a personal level but also had a huge impact on my life. it was a random event, i was in the wrong place at the wrong time and became caught up in something which devestated my life for over 12 years and resulted in my spiralling out of control.
looking back it still makes me panic especially knowing the person has never been caught. i have always been a strong person who can cope with whatever life throws at me, this was the one time when even my strength failed.
just be aware that i will be talking about an event that was terrifying and brutal and its consequences

14 Jun 2010

monday monday monday

monday or is it moanday? lol

12 Jun 2010

more random pics

me me me me me

just some random snaps of boring old me lol

9 Jun 2010

organ donation

i know many ppl shy away from thinking about this but it is really important to give it some thought and discuss it. i want to donate whatever parts they can use when i die as it can save lives. i have seen the effects a transplant can have on ppls lives when i worked on a liver ward. it is time to make an effort and not be selfish, when we die our organs could save other ppls lives, young and old. i personally am not a believer in god etc tho i do respect all other ppls religious beliefs, but even so am sure that this god of mercy would want us to be un-selfish and help others in need. we can donate so much these days which really does transform lives.
please visit this site

4 Jun 2010

its sunny june

at last some sunshine to cheer us all up - have been playing with my camera seeing as its so nice out

31 May 2010

Israeli Shame

yet again israel shows its brutal face by attacking the aid convoy trying to deliver aid to the ppl of gaza. when is the world going to wake up and tell israel it is becoming a fascist state. they have no right to blockade gaza, so what if hamas rules there its the ppls choice not israel. we allow israel to get away with so many crimes just because we feel guilty over the holocaust. enough i say, israel should be condemned and her chief ally, the usa, should do more to curb their outrages

29 May 2010

another bank holiday

i am not keen on them, everything slows down. oh well

28 May 2010


i really like deviantart, so much great art there. i have uploaded some stuff myself but the standard of a lot of it is very high

my new hobby

well have decided to have a go at photography, how hard can that be? so am gonna be snap happy for a bit lol

the photos are of buster, a staff blue cute pup