4 Oct 2010

monday 4th oct

i am still struggling to deal with events, am not coping well at all. my inner strength seems to have left me. life goes on, i know, and i have to try to find a job in the midst of this nightmare or risk loosing my state benefits. there is no compassion from the employment ppl, just pressure to find a job.
how can i look for a job or go for an interview when all i am doing is reliving my nightmare?
i am dreading the trial, and yet i know i have to do it-i have to try and find out WHY? why did he do this, why did he destroy me?
i am angry at myself for feeling like this, surely i should be strong and full of determination to fight back, i am not tho. i lay awake all night reliving that night, it just wont stop. a few minutes peace in the day then am back in that place again.
all these years i have longed for death so i can just have peace, i am too weak to kill myself, i dont even have the courage to do that.
all i can hope for is that it will finally give me closure.

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