15 Jun 2010

september 4th

that was the date this event happened. thats also my Fathers birthday. well i have got used to the fact that being transgendered means ppl feel they have the right to do or say whatever they want and we are supposed to meekly accept it. being transgendered is NOT a lifestyle choice its how we are born. up until this event i was strong and lived my life without a care. this particular eve i went to the fridge club in brixton with my bf and friends as usual. we had a great time, dancing and laughing as we always did. we walked home as we lived in stockwell so it wasnt far. i was walking about 10 yards in front of my bf and a friend when a young black man came towards me. as he passes he slapped my bum, i laughed and walked on. it was harmless as the guy paid me a compliment. my bf and friend caught up and we stood chatting for 5 mins before our friend left. we noticed then the black guy had started walking back towards us so we ran off giggling, not worried coz he hadnt been aggressive. our flat was on the ground floor and we ran in laughing without a care. i went into the kitchen and made tea when there wa a knock on the door. the black guy was calling through the letter box so i told him to go away. he said he liked me and i just giggled as you do and said am not interested thanks.
he went so we soon forgot about it. a couple of days later my bf and i had a row over him meeting a friend of his i didnt like. he went out anyway and as it was warm i left my windows open to cool off. i had a flatmate who was in bed asleep so felt safe. it was about 1 in the morn when i heard someone jump onto the kitchen floor. i wasnt really worried coz i thought it was my bf. imagine my shock when the young black man walked in to my room. i was in bed so pulled the covers up and asked what he thought he was doing. he sat on the end of my bed and said he really liked me. even at this point i wasnt scared, i told him i was happy with my bf and he should go,it was at this point he pulled a knife out and grabbed me and stuck the knife in my neck.
time seem to stop and i could only think of all the times when you read about ppl being raped and why did they not fight back? i was so frozen with terror and also scared he would hurt my sleeping flatmate i just didnt struggle. i cant go into detail of what humiliation he inflicted on me or the hurtful cruel things he said. needless to say he tortured me and raped me and abused me in a way no one should have to endure. he lad gone and locked the bolts on the front door and all i could think about was my bf coming home and looking through letter box and seeing this happen.
my bf did come back and knocked on the door, i pushed the man off me and told him to go. as he was going out of the window he said, did you enjoy it and can i see you again? in panic i said yes it wa wonderful.
i managed to stagger to the front door and open it before i collapsed. as i did so my attacker walked past and asked my bf for the time. my poor bf and his friend just couldnt understand why i was on the floor sobbing and bleeding-i couldnt get the words out. they got me back onto a chair and i was able to say the man had attacked me. my poor flatmate woke up and was in a terrible state coz he hadnt known and hadnt helped me. this really was only the beginning of a nightmare. the police came and this young policeman sat in my room and radioed that a woman had been raped, imagine my shame at having to stop him and tell him i was transgendered. instead of being raped it suddenly changed to being sexually assaulted. i have no issues with the police, they were so kind to me and they did treat me with great kindness and dignity. i had to go to the police station in brixton to be examined. that was traumatic. i made my statement and was told to go home and rest and if this man came back to call 999. obviously none of us thought he would return but he did that same evening. the police said to keep him talking through the indow so they could catch him. i had to tell this man how much i had enjoyed what he did - it fills me with so much shame even thinking about it now. the police came quickly but he vanished. the police left and he came back, this was just the start.
word got out what had happened and i had graffitti scrawled on the door, my windows broken. we lived in fear in a boarded up flat. the police contacted my housing office and told them my life was in danger and i had to me moved at once. i am not a rascist but my black lady housing officer had issues with me being transgendered,she ignored the police advice. the result was that for 7 months after his attack i had to endure him turing up daily trying to get in to the flat. it was a game of cat and mouse, the police would wait in the flat with me and he wouldnt come. soon as they left he did come. after 6 months of this nightmare i just opened the door and i begged him to kill me. he just smirked and walked off.
finally i snapped and went to the housing, the lady officer was not sympathetic and said what did i expect being the way i was? luckily for me her senior overheard this and he took charge. a day later i was moved to safety. she was sacked and i thought the nightmare was over.
the police had warned me how bad it was going to be if they caught him and at trial i would be attacked by his defence team. it turned out he wasnt caught. a few times i was out in town and he appeared in front of me, i always was so terrified i couldnt move or speak. the end result of this was that i began taking any drug i could get my hands on as i couldnt bear the pain. i felt so much shame and guilt it was really unbearable.
he victimised me for over 12 years til i went for therapy and that turned my life around. no more drugs and no more being a victim. i still feel its effects today though i live my life. it would be so nice if strangers werent so judgemental about people like me, its hurtful but in comparison to what i lived through its nothing.


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